How It Began

As I progressed further into adulthood and work, I continued pushing through, investing in my development, organising successful community events and building a professional career. Despite the fear and overwhelm I was carrying internally, I managed to get things done! But I was also rebellious and avoidant which wasn’t a good mix. I disliked any form of control, yet I often found myself caught up in being or feeling controlled, then rebelling against it. 

Yet, what people couldn’t see was how much energy it took just to maintain it all. Simply to show up for life. Which is why, whenever the pressure became overwhelming, I became the ‘queen of running away and avoiding'.

But for me, the traditional structures and ways of living that seemed normal to everyone else often felt difficult to sustain, and I didn’t understand why. I genuinely believed there was something wrong with me because I seemed to need more rest, more recovery, more space, and more time alone than other people. I didn’t seem to have the same capacity as everyone else, who could simply keep going. And sadly, the only thing that seemed to give me energy was alcohol. For many years, it was my "best friend".

With alcohol and a party lifestyle making many of my decisions, I spent a lot of money on having a good time and trying to maintain an appearance. Because I was insecure about how I looked, it eventually turned into debt and chasing a lifestyle and image that I couldn’t really afford. People say youth is wasted on the young, but I carried that mindset into my 30s and early 40s.

In time, it caught up with me. From years of living the opposite of how I should have, I went through periods of intense fatigue where my day would start off fine, but then I’d suddenly crash - exhausted, aching and unable to do anything except lie down. Every medical test told me I was healthy and physically fine, yet my body kept responding as though something was wrong.

What I eventually realised was that, although the fatigue may once have helped me recover from some turbulent periods in my life, my body had held onto the pattern as a form of protection - a defence mechanism. I kept slipping into a kind of dorsal shutdown mode, where withdrawing and conserving energy felt safer than fully engaging with life. Over time, it had become a kind of “excuse” to avoid fully engaging, because underneath it all, fear was in control. But the reality was, I was also exhausted by years of feeling badly about myself, and my low, inconsistent energy was allowing me to hide rather than fully show up - it was a way of keeping myself “safe".

I now understand that I wasn’t lazy or incapable - I simply didn’t understand my own needs, limits, or how my mind and body responded to stress. I hadn't yet built inner then outer capacity.

Plus, I was also unlearning deeply ingrained family patterns that had been passed down for generations. Changing those patterns came with its own difficulties, but it was necessary, because it was ending with me - not to be passed down or repeated.

One of those patterns that had consumed so much of my life was this constant inner expectation of being “in trouble.” Because of that underlying fear, I often found myself in situations where that became a repeated reality - whether in friendships, jobs or relationships. My nervous system stayed braced for being “the bad one,” the one in the wrong, the one to blame.

I often ended up creating situations where the cycle repeated, because it was familiar. Where I would shut down, run away, avoid, not show up and not take accountability. But this also attracted situations where I was "thrown under a bus" and made to look guilty because I had unconsciously learned to accept blame as the norm. It had become part of my identity. I ended up feeling stuck and powerless because my self esteem had been hit real hard, 

I realised how deeply this outdated pattern had been showing up. It was a persecution wound - but it didn’t have to define me any more. I no longer had to carry it, believe it or build my identity around it. Even if someone was upset with me, I could allow that without making it mean something about my worth.

Instead, my responsibility became focusing on what I could control: seeing the bigger picture, recognising human limitations and blind spots, and practising patience, compassion, forgiveness and doing my best to act with integrity. Because when we carry old labels, wounds, projections and accusations from the past - even inherited ones - they eventually become heavy baggage. And I was tired of carrying it all.

I found myself searching for answers everywhere, exploring self-development, healing practices and spiritual paths that promised me transformation and identity. I was like a kid in a sweet shop, chasing after every healing modality. I thought it was up to me to heal myself. It wasn't.

Yet, for a while, I truly believed those things would finally give me peace, but despite all the searching and using my own efforts, I never felt truly grounded or settled within myself. Instead, it was taking me off course and down the wrong path into darkness and deception, and I attracted many situations and events that re-traumatised me.

It all kept me stuck on a hamster wheel because I was going the wrong way. Again.

Deep down, I knew something more fundamental needed to change. I needed to find the 'truth', once and for all.

I saw that I had been conforming to patterns of the world - ones I was never truly designed for in the first place. Somewhere along the way, I absorbed the belief that I had to be like everyone else or I would somehow be a “failure.” But that was never the truth.

I came to realise that when it comes to life, emotions, experiences and even endings, I process things more slowly. I need more space, more pauses and more time to digest - that’s what genuinely works for me. Yet modern life rarely allows for that. It tells us to stay switched on, keep producing, keep consuming and move onto the next thing before we’ve even fully processed the last.

Trying to force myself to function in ways that didn’t align with my nature had become unsustainable. I could no longer keep placing myself in environments, groups, relationships, lifestyles and rhythms of work that pulled me away from my natural harmony instead of supporting it.

Fortunately, it all began to change for the better in my late 40s when I found exactly what I needed and who I had been looking for all along - and that was God. Not a God in church, not a bible God, not a God from hymns, not a strict God who had a set of rules for me. No. I discovered that He was a loving, caring, kind, gentle, patient and forgiving God. My creator. Our creator. And he wanted a real relationship with me. A supernatural one. And that's exactly what I got!

When you call out to God, many voices, beliefs and practices may respond. But I believe that only the one living God - our Creator - truly saves, heals and restores. So many other paths can leave people using their own efforts and trying to earn peace through endless practices and devotion, whereas God’s love and acceptance are offered to people as a gift, rather than something earned through doing and performance.

As I connected to Him, my faith grew, I stopped drinking and was able to let go of many of the distractions I had relied on. I no longer wanted to identify with who I had been. Or who I believed I was. However, that's when everything that I had been suppressing rose to the surface and I saw how those patterns, beliefs and expectations had been clouding my mind, my energy, my confidence and my health.

For the first time, I could see what I had spent years avoiding, but that's also when - for a while - the mental noise became louder and the nervous system overwhelm became more obvious. With nobody around, I started hearing my thoughts more clearly and saw how my mindset and emotions had been weighing me down for a long time. Being by myself made me see how much my thinking had been shaped by my past, my beliefs and from relationships that weren’t right for me. I had become so used to feeling that way that it started to feel normal.

I hadn't even realised that I’d been living with intrusive thoughts for most of my life, because I thought intrusive thoughts were random voices or thoughts appearing out of nowhere. I didn’t know that it was the sound of your own mind turning against you - frightening you, rushing you, criticising you and condemning you. I started to see how many of my thoughts were intrusive rather than supportive, kind or life-giving.

And now I was alone - just me and God - where He was the one leading me, healing me and rebuilding me. Except I didn't recognise the season I was in and I felt powerless, directionless and purposeless. The problem was that I had expected to feel better, not worse. But you have to go low in order to go high. It's a necessary part of the journey in building a new, strong and steady foundation. That's what surrender for us stubborn folks looks like - where you give up your ways and finally let go and let god.

However, this is also what happens when a pattern is dying, it gets louder and more visible. It's the final tantrum. Plus I was also still trying to use my own strength to change myself and reach access higher states of love, gratitude and warmth. But when you’re still guarded and haven’t resolved the underlying issues, it doesn't last. However, this had been a cycle I was used to - hot, cold, up, down, round and  round - and it was time to grow out of it.

The reality was, I needed a healer and an anchor. And that wasn’t me. It wasn’t someone else. It was something only God could do.

Through my newfound faith and the experiences that came with it, I began to understand myself differently. I could no longer be defined by the person I had been, or by the shame and fear I had internalised. The old version of me no longer needed to lead my life. I was becoming someone new - spiritually renewed and inwardly transformed.

This was my invitation to rise and shine, not shrink back and hide.

As my eyes opened to a new reality, I knew it was time to stop hiding behind walls of fear. It was time to let go of the constant self-monitoring and finally allow myself to simply be.

Throughout the process, I kept reminding myself to be patient with the process of disarming. My faith was retraining my brain and body to recognise peace, and that takes time. Because after I let go of alcohol, I replaced it with caffeine, then sugar, then food. Whilst I didn't put on weight, I was still in an addictive mindset, even if your 'drug of choice' is healthy food with some worldly snacks on the side! That's why it takes gentleness and self-compassion, because the “glitch” was never my true self - it was the armour I learned to wear for protection, but never learned how to take off.

All along, I had been leaning on substitutes - crutches disguised as lifestyles, relationships, addictions, distractions and coping mechanisms - when the only thing my soul truly needed was God. It took me 49 years to learn that. I'm not afraid to admit that without the things that gave me energy and stimulation, I found myself flat, numb and emotionless for a while. I questioned it, thinking it was hormones and wondering if I needed HRT, but my brain simply had to recalibrate to a new reality - my natural state. Was it easy? No. But it was necessary.

And so, it became time to truly live again - not as who I thought I had to be, and not as who others expected me to be, but as who I was always created to become.

The Bible says in the Epistle to the Romans, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind,” and over time, those words became more than scripture to me - they became my lived experience. My mind began to reorganise itself and I started seeing life through entirely new lenses. For the first time, I could see clearly, and once my body finally learned inner safety too, I knew I would be ready to soar!

The final step in the process led me deep into the body - especially into fascia and connective tissue work - because I came to understand that experiences, emotions, memories and survival patterns are not only held in the mind, but in the body as well. As I learned how to release what had been stored inside me for so long, I began letting go of the pressure, tension, emotional armour and survival patterns I had carried for years.

It became a process of inward healing: dismantling the walls and defences I had built over a lifetime, while strengthening my body and nervous system enough to hold me safely. Difficult at times, yes - because it got rocky for a while - but profoundly worth it. I was being given a new foundation.

Here, I learned to guard my heart with love instead of fear. I learned to be welcoming instead of wary or hostile. I was able to finally let my guard down which created space for the soft-hearted version of myself - kind and open - but no longer unprotected.

And at last, I felt at home within myself. Finally!

The way I was always meant to be.

Free. Grounded. Open. Easy-going. Happy. Amen!